Sunday, January 15, 2006

American Islamic Leaders Warn Of Anti-Muslim Backlash Following Next Month's Nuking Of Tel Aviv

The idea for this post is cribbed from commenter Angus Jung over at Scott Burgess' place. (Thanks to Tim Blair for identifying him.) The post itself is a pallid imitation of the kind of news satire that Rand Simberg and Victor Davis Hanson are geniuses at. Steal from the best, I always say...

Bleurters News Service, (WASHINGTON)

The D.C. Islamic Eternal Justice Endeavor against War and Stereotyping (DIEJEWS) yesterday issued a strongly worded statement condemning a rising backlash against Muslims following next month's nuclear bombing of Tel Aviv, Israel by Iran. The press release warned against an increase in anti-Muslim discrimination, hate crimes, and government harassment following the destruction of the unofficial Israeli capital city next month, as announced by the Iranian government.

"We call on all Americans of goodwill to hold fast to our traditional American values of tolerance and diversity," the statement said in part. "No justification is possible for the heightened tensions and increased suspicions against innocent Muslims following next month's tragic events. The chilling of Islamic-American relations will overshadow the great strides made since 9/11 in rolling back jingoism." The statement stopped short of calling the nuclear bombing of Tel Aviv by the Islamic Republic of Iran a terrorist act, but called for "restraint by both sides" in future crises.

"Next month's nuking of Tel Aviv and the subsequent dancing in the streets by Muslims worldwide have nothing to do with Islam," DIEJEWS spokesperson Marysuellen al-Shahid said in a telephone interview. "We condemn what's going to happen. People claim they are doing it for Islam, but it's really in spite of Islam. The first people to suffer, after the victims, are the Muslim community. There is no justification for such a horrible crime in Islam, any other divine faith or even the court of human conscience, no matter how many sermons have been preached in mosques calling for exactly this. People have to remember that even though the Revolutionary Council of the Islam Republic of Iran has nuclear weapons and will use them, they are only a tiny minority of Muslims, who are peace-loving. In fact, the Arabic word for "peace" means the exact same thing as the English word for peace--but do the news media ever report that? And can you speak up a little? I can't hear the phone so good through this burka."

In a related development, Nevergreen University announced that, in advance of next month's attack and backlash, all students will be required to attend a "sensitivity workshop" on various aspects of Islamic life, beliefs, and customs. Students will "graduate" by coming before a panel from the university's Islamic Studies department and apologizing for the battles of Tours, Malta, Lepanto, Khartoum, and the Gates of Vienna. The panel will grade them on the sincerity of their regret, and grant extra credit for not being able to name the victorious Christian commanders.

"Obviously no one approves of vaporizing a whole city of Jews, no matter how much they deserve it," said university vice-president Batson D. Belfry. "But you never know when the reactionary upbringing of many of our students may impose a simplistic, black and white judgmentalism on quite complex matters. Next month's anti-Muslim backlash is extremely hurtful to our Muslim students, and to all members of the university family. So, we want to get a headstart and try to challenge the students' preconceptions about 'right' and 'wrong', and yes I am making those air quote thingies with my fingers. Minds are like ICBM re-entry vehicles--they function best when properly aimed and programmed."


  1. saw this link at little green footballs, reposted it (with credit) at the belmont blog.. how true.. how sad..

  2. Linked this post to my site.

  3. Hi, Sanity Inspector,

    Thanks for the tip - but I still liked that one better.
    And re your being a newbie - my apologies, I assumed so wrongly from some other blogger.

    And - porkrinds - what is so sad in an excellent and funny spoof?
    We are still alive here, you know, and still have some bark and bite.

    Cheers all.

  4. Found my way here through a "check it out" tip on SnoopytheGoon's site and am so glad I did: got my first laugh in a long day.

    Well, at least until next month, vive Tel Aviv! lol, especially cos I live there. Most excellent spoof!

  5. This is a satire? This is nothing more than a racist rant which, of course, and predictably, fails to mention that FAR more Muslims have been killed by Israel. Of course, since when do facts matter to the indoctrinated totalitarian-minded right? I'd recommend spending a little more time studying the topic and less time attempting to write about something you obviously no nothing about. How about knitting?KB

  6. Like Yael, I came here on a check it out from Snoopy and this was great! Laughed my ass off. As for Anonymous, well, what can anyone say? Some people are born with their heads crammed way up their backsides and never pull them out.

  7. I'm sure that Steven Spielberg will join you in asking for restraint, tolerance and understanding. Violence never solved anything, did it?

  8. Miriam , It worked pretty good for Hitler...for awhile.

  9. Nice try, Anonymous.

    First, the satire has nothing to do with race: Islam is an ideology.

    Second, Iranian leaders such as Rafsanjani and Ahmadinejad are quite clear in the public record about their genocidal intentions, as is Hamas.

    Third, the population of Israel is miniscule compared to the population of Muslims. Israeli losses represent a greater percentage of their population, as their killers well know.

    I'd say this satire has your number, pal.

    Good luck with the taqiyya and kitman. You'll need it.

  10. Is that a satire? Quite frankly, with the PC wierdness stuff being posted (exposed) on the internet its hard to be sure sometimes.

    Quite funny in any case :D.

  11. Poor anonymous. I think somebody struck a nerve.

  12. The D.C. Islamic Eternal Justice Endeavor against War and Stereotyping (DIEJEWS) HAS to be ...HAS TO BE.. the Acronym of the year.

    I'm stealing that (with credit)

    I like the taqiya goof tone as well.

  13. Let's worry about the big stuff

    T-spec, you're so right! I mean, if we lose our core values of multiculturalism, diversity, and social justice--just what are we defending over here!

  14. I don't know whether to laugh or cry over this satire. It's both funny yet at the same time quite sad, both because it hits home.


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